My kink is to be seen.

No, I don’t mean I’m an exhibitionist 😉

This weekend I attended my regional burn and I met a lot of new people and made out with most of them (she says, proudly). This has given me a unique opportunity to reflect on the spectrum of attraction I felt. There were definitely some kisses that felt forced, because I still struggle to identify the difference between “wanting to want” and “actually wanting”. Then there were kisses in which I could have lost myself all night, and the difference? the feeling of being seen. There were people who made me feel like they were tolerating the conversation while waiting for a physical connection, but with others, I had the chance to see a spark in their eyes indicating desire, right after I said or did something hilarious or even, as it is known to happen at times, wise. I saw the attraction happen in real time, for the person that I am, not for being there and available, as some have made me feel.

Today, I was asking myself what kind of relationship I would like with one of these people who made me feel seen. The truth is, what I really want, is to create a real, lasting bond. Whether this relationship is completely platonic or we end up in a full fledged throuple is completely irrelevant to me. It would be the cherry on top, not the whole sundae. I never want to connect with bodies without connecting to the mind as I have in the past. I never want to put anyone through the trauma I have been put through of thinking I was important to someone because we were fucking only to discover that I really wasn’t. I never want to care more about my sexual pleasure than I do about someone’s emotional wellbeing. Hell, I don’t even give a fuck about “protecting my peace”. Bring your chaos baby, we’ll get through it together.

It’s been difficult, with the negative experiences I’ve had with Poly people to find where I fit in on the spectrum of non-monogamy. I am definitely not interested in being with men who seek validation through sexual conquests, which had been most of my experiences thus far, but this weekend at the burn, I most definitely saw a much healthier side of Polyamory. People weren’t fucking left right and center, they were just having beautiful moments with whomever their energy was attracted to in that moment. There seemed to be more kisses and cuddles than anything else. It was authentic, it was elevated, it was beautiful and I got it. I felt so much compersion watching Skyler enjoy himself with the beautiful souls that we met, and I felt ecstatic to have reached this level of safety within myself and my relationship.

I’m not entirely sure how to move forward, I mean … other than one step at the time! But I made a rule for myself; I’ll never again kiss someone who never asked me a damn question about myself!